Sunday, July 3, 2011

Written Review/Rant: Transformers 3 (2011)

Transvestites 3: Crack of the Ass (2011)

Directed by (if you can call it "direction"):
Micheal Bay (UGH!)

Written by (HAHA what a joke):
Ehrin Kruger (unfortunately)

Starring (sadly):
Shia La-Butt-Fuck, John Turturro, Josh Duhamel, Alan Tudyk, Frances McDormand, Peter Cullen, Leonard Nimoy, Hugo Weaving, Ken Jeong

Rating: -10/4

You know, I was really on a roll for a while. For a good long period, I've been enjoying all the movies that I've been seeing in theatres. Sure, the beginning of the year sucked, but in recent months things have been picking up. "Insidious", "X-Men: First Class", and "Super 8" were all fantastic, and hell, I even laughed at "Hangover Part 2" and enjoyed "The Green Lantern" more than most people. Honestly, for a while, I felt that the year was truly beginning to pick up and churn out some good quality flicks.

And then I saw "Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon".

I'm going to start this article off by saying this is not going to resemble much of a review. It's not going to be formatted in the same way my other written reviews are. Hell, it's more of a rant than a review. So I apologize beforehand for the fact that this is going to be a very unorganized, VERY angry, rant.

Let me start off by saying: fuck Micheal Bay. Fuck him. Fuck his amateur filming style, fuck his juvenile 4th-grader sense of humor, and fuck him with all the money that he's probabely bathing naked in right now, as you're reading this. This man has basically built a career around shit, low standards, and insulting your intelligence. The man hasn't made one single watchable movie since "The Rock" and "Bad Boys", and those movies were cool because of the actors, not the direction (which was kinda crappy). I don't think I have ever come across a filmaker that I have despised so much as Bay, and I truly hope he dies in a fire made out of AIDS and nightmares.

Now it's not bad enough that this movie is directed by the Anti-Christ of Filmmaking, but it's written by the worst screenwriter I have EVER come across in all my years: Ehrin Kruger...Ehrin "I ruined Blood & Chocolate" Kruger. I could write long droning parables about how much I despise this man and all he has worked on, but I won't. Not because I'm trying to be nice to him by sparing a complete bashing of all he has worked for, but because I'm fairly positive that however long my ranting about Ehrin Kruger is, it would not describe one tenth of the immense boiling hatred I feel toward this man's "work". So I'll simply state this: He's the guy who wrote "Scream 3" and "Transformers 2"! Oh yeah, AND he ruined Blood & Chocolate (a GREAT book) by writing that god-awful straight-to-DVD movie from last year. The only good movie this man ever worked on was "Reindeer Games", and I enjoy that movie because of Ben Affleck, NOT because of the fucking script. That should say all you need to hear about Ehrin Kruger.

Now, I WILL say there are some positive things about the movie...and by "some", I mean one and a half. First off, Optimus Prime is AWESOME in it. He gets more screentime this time around than "Revenge of the Shitten", and is pretty damn badass to boot. The other good thing is that Megan Fox was booted off the movie (thanks to Spielberg), and so she isn't here to annoy the ever-smelly piss out of you this time around. Now the reason I say "one and a half" is because the actress who replaces Fox is also a god-awful insult to thespians everywhere...but she's slightly better at acting than Fox is (she actually CHANGES EXPRESSIONS...more than once!), so it's a SLIGHT improvement. But those are the only two decent things about "Transformers 3". Or rather, the only miniscule glimmers of sunlight on a particularly raw and painful turd, a turd that is just as painful to look at as it was to shat into existence. But now we must move on to the particularly god-awful things about this turd.

I find it rather ironic that in a movie called "TRANSFORMERS", the Transformers themselves are basically sidekicks to these fucking useless, horribly-written human characters. Seriously, the Transformers are supporting characters in THEIR OWN BLOODY MOVIE. Optimus Prime and Sentinel Prime are the only two Transformers that are treated as large characters and don't annoy the living piss out of you. Other than that, Megatron (who was a GREAT villain in the show) is basically there to bitch and is more wasted in this movie than he was in "Transformers 2" (which, by the way, is the worse movie I have ever seen in my life), Starscream (who was probabely the best and most developed Decepticon in the show) has barely two lines of dialogue, and the rest of the Decepticons...shit, there were other Decepticons? I'm sorry, it's hard for me too tell given that they don't do dick in this piece of ass. And the Autobots are not treated any better. Bumblebee annoyed me in the first two movies, and it's the same deal here. Actually, ALL of the Autobots are annoying in this movie (except Prime...Prime rocks). I'll give the film credit that they got rid of those god-awful black racist stereotype twin Transformers from the last movie, but the character they replaced them with is a rip-off of Beavis from "Beavis & Butthead" and is just as annoying as the twins. In fact, the only difference is he's not a racist stereotype. The Transformers are basically shafted in their own goddamn movie so the focus can be put on these god-awful human characters, which is a shame, since all the good parts of the franchise come from the Transformers (NOT the humans), and any scene that vaguely displays emotion involve the Transformers (NOT the humans).

Also, I'm sure I wouldn't hate the human characters if they weren't so goddamn annoying. Shia La-Butt-Fuck's character seems to be in the movie for the sole purpose of bitching, bitching, bitching about how "his life sucks" (despite the fact he's banging his super-hot, not-Megan-Fox girlfriend) and how "he was a hero". Bullshit! He didn't do dick in the first movie, he didn't do dick in the second movie, and he sure as shit didn't do dick in this movie! Oh yeah, and his fucking parents are back AGAIN, and they're soooo funny (note the sarcasm). John Turturro, a FANTASTIC actor who's talent is wasted in these movies, is also back, and his character's still an annoying prick, although he's still not as annoying as Shia LaBitch's character. Another fine actor who is wasted in this movie is Alan Tudyk, who plays the tolken gay stereotype that has to unnecessarily appear in every goddamn movie Micheal Bay ever makes. Seriously Bay, you have Wash from fucking "Firefly" in your movie! Don't waste him like that!

I'm gonna stop talking before an embolism pops in my brain, but before I go, I'm just going to say that Micheal Bay also invokes images of 9/11, Chernobyl, and the fucking Challenger explosion in this movie! Yeah, real classy, dick-head.

Anyway, don't go wasting your money on this piece of ass. If you're curious, do what I did and find a bootleg online, don't give Micheal Bay any more money to spend for "Transformers 4: Three 'Bots and a Baby".

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